Friend?

 I don't want to listen to music. Not tonight. Not when it hurts this bad but the tears just don't roll out. Why? I wouldn't know either... No, that's a lie. I do know. It's a yearning. I yearn to be wanted, I yearn to be loved. And I know that I am, but sometimes in the night, I lose my candle and then I can't see anymore. The light bleeds away from my world, and I must find it once again. Sometimes I try to ignore the lack of light and forget my plight by exploring the textures of the ground. I can feel the soil's weight in my palms. And before I know, I have dug up a hole and buried myself in it. Now neither I nor anyone else can find me a candle or try to light it. Here I lie in perpetual darkness. I would raise my hand out like the undead some day and get out of here because I love someone and they love me back. But that isn't going to happen, I can't see it anymore, I lost my candle. I have made sure I won't come out.

"I won't come out" - I say. "You bastard, didn't you already tell us you're queer?" - reply my friends.

Friends? I am confused by what that word means. Back when I knew, I loved so deeply, so truly. I didn't need a candle because my path was already well-lit. "What is that cave?" - I ask. A voice from far above replies "That's where the ones who lose their candles have an orgy" - replied a mysterious voice from above. "How does one get in?" - I ask. "Lose the candle, run away from everyone holding one, you'll find your way into the cave quite easily." - replied the voice. So I did. I ran. I ran from them, I ran from me, I ran from who I am and I lost a bit of who I am. Finally I was in the cave, I was all alone. It hurts, it hurts still. "This was foolish" - I think to myself, blinded and tripping over things. That is when I decided to find a place to bury myself.

"I can't sleep. It's too cold." - I say before burying myself.

31st December, 2024.

We met up in the evening. We got talking. We were going to experience the turn of the year together. We gathered up at the Manwhore's for the Night. It was once again just a bunch of boys, being boys again. The Rizzless One that has only pulled doors that say "Push" downloaded AstroTalk to ask about his love life. He got told that he should try marrying a widow if he wants a successful marriage, and that it'd only happen after 2026, and that her name would be the name of a schoolmate of ours. The Manwhore, whose last two girlfriends have been friends of the schoolmate in question, after being subjected to our remarks that he'd date all of her friends and then marry her was quite happy about this, until we decided that canonically he'd marry her and lose her and then the rizzless one would marry her. Why? Because the Naval Trainee wants to open up a gym somewhere down the line in a pretty profitable and slightly expensive area in terms of real estate, but the schoolmate's dad owns land there. Heck when the astrologer said the marriage would be to someone who works in sports we justified it by saying she'd get into sports journalism (she's studying visual communication). Depressed by this, the Rizzless One made a quick Hinge account, swiped left on everyone because he doesn't want to be on dating apps but rather just see the girls on them, and then decided to doze off because he had to head out early the next day. But when a med student showed up on Hinge, the asleep naval trainee quipped in on how med students are super hot and can make a guy melt. A while later I looked over at the Aspiring Med Student in our own group and he was looking up the social media following of popular AV actresses, and then got to playing one of those games. Meanwhile the Manwhore was playing and older Call of Duty game on Story Mode. Eventually we all got sleeping. The next morning, I woke up to the Naval Trainee's face in front of the Manwhore's. Everyone had left early in the morning. The First Sleeper had his CA exams to study for, the Rizzless One had to go out early in the morning, the Aspiring Med Student had to leave for a temple apparently. Meanwhile, 4 out of the "10 Reasons to Use a Condom" hadn't even shown up to the sleepover. The Naval Trainee said how this year wasn't as fun as the last, when we had gone out to Tea Break at 12am, shouting "HAPPY NEW YEAR" to everyone on the way, and then kicked out of there by the cops and asked to go home, and how we stayed up all night talking and doing weird things, until eventually we all slept for exactly an hour or so and one of us had the wonderful idea to go play basketball at the court that was like 7 kilometres from where we were and how all of us, without license, were riding our bikes and scooters at 100, with the winds in our hair and the empty roads for us to terrorise. Such simple joys, all lost to time. At that moment I realised how we would probably not even get together the next time we change calendars. We are only getting older, and soon we wouldn't be here for each other. That thought ruined my mood for the rest of the day. I love them so deeply, and even though I have been living away from them, they still matter a whole lot to me.

Friends? I sleep well alone now.