Conversations I had with myself.....

Breaking up in a healthy relationship makes them crack in ways they didn't think were possible. Especially when they're the one initiating it, because they gave up on their collective future and they gave up in the face of something as arbitrary as distance. Chennai and Delhi. And it especially hurts when she asks you if there's another girl. It hurts you so much more when she questions why you refuse to fight for your love and why you have given up so quickly, two and half weeks, when even Netflix gives out a month of free subscription. And I know you wanted to fly to me in a couple months. And I know that the journey is the destination. And I know you think my reason to break up with you is utterly bullshit. You say these two months and the memories I made with you were worth a lifetime and all it does is make me feel guilty that I don't feel the same way. Two months is not enough for me to form the base of a sustainable relationship that's moving into long distan...

I turned 19 in the silence of the night. Having recently survived a crash (which is a very stupid story, I hit a parked car for fuck's sake), I now look inside for meaning. All I can feel right now stems from Conan's song...

 I don't want to listen to music. Not tonight. Not when it hurts this bad but the tears just don't roll out. Why? I wouldn't know either... No, that's a lie. I do know. It's a yearning. I yearn to be wanted, I yearn to be loved. And I know that I am, but sometimes in the night, I lose my candle and then I can't see anymore. The light bleeds away from my world, and I must find it once again. Sometimes I try to ignore the lack of light and forget my plight by exploring the textures of the ground. I can feel the soil's weight in my palms. And before I know, I have dug up a hole and buried myself in it. Now neither I nor anyone else can find me a candle or try to light it. Here I lie in perpetual darkness. I would raise my hand out like the undead some day and get out of here because I love someone and they love me back. But that isn't going to happen, I can't see it anymore, I lost my candle. I have made sure I won't come out. "I won't come...

 The story: Before I arrived at college, I found a few people who were from the same city as me. Out of them there was a girl, S, that I was attracted to. I was extra nice to her during my first week out here and I made it very obvious. After my first week of getting here I made out with a different girl, D, because I felt like whatever I felt for S was very superficial and I'd rather be with someone who was into me than pathetically keep on trying to get someone that wasn't into me. Following this line of thought, after we first made out, D asked me how it'd work because I liked S and I told her that "I'm choosing to be here with you right now.". Now there's another person from my city, N, that we only met once we got here, and she integrated herself into the friend group. N noticed that I liked S, and constantly warned me not to go for S because that'd mean "my friend group will fall apart and I don't want to either of you to get in a situat...

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. - T.S. Elliot

 The summer I left for college... Everything felt gray. The world around me was put behind a wall and I was merely spectating the scenarios, or so it felt like. The laughs I shared with my friends and the stories of lovers and crushes that still made sense to discuss even after school was over might have been some of the best times of my life. In the nights we'd have a sleepover but not sleep at all, and in the mornings we would be up playing basketball, all of it seems like a fever dream now. A few years ago I wouldn't have thought this is how I would be living my life. Did I deserve to be this happy? Or maybe not, since I would proceed to fall out with a close friend and have another tell me that we weren't close. Hell, I couldn't even get into the college I wanted to. It makes me wonder if I even knew anything back then. Even today, I think the answer is still "No". Maybe it has always been this way. Maybe all this time I never really knew anything. I found...